Each time I see a new (auto)biography come out on some B-grade celebrity, I have a feeling a better book dies. Not in the same way as the classics commit suicide each time a young reader opens "Twilight", but a piece of literature dies all the same. And they always have some dull title such as "My Life". At least they could try and be clever, like David Attenborough calling his "Life on Air" in reference to his "Life" series of documentaries, for example "Life in Cold Blood". I am not interesting in reading "My Life", whether it's the story of Bart Cummings, Adam Gilchrist, Brett Lee (seriously, what's with the cricketers?), Helen Keller, Bill Clinton, Jane Fonda, Leon Trotsky, Fidel Castro, Serena Williams, Brendan Sheerin (who?), Isadora Duncan or Magic Johnson. Admittedly Helen Keller's life sounded pretty interesting, but at least she had an excuse for an unoriginal title. I would assume that the others were also deaf and blind if they couldn't think of anything better, or that as they are not known for their literary skills, their editors could do better. Calling your memoirs "My Life", while accurate, is unoriginal and doesn't scream "read me". Not to mention there's really no way of trying to convince the reader it might actually be interesting. And some of these peoples' lives just don't sound interesting. Additionally, if I didn't have reason enough not to read Tony Blair's book, the title "A Journey" threw me off completely.
In light of this, I started thinking of what I would call my autobiography. As I have no doubt that nobody anywhere would want to read it, it would need a more creative title than the stories of the lives of others we don't have much curiosity for. Here are some of them:
- Description of a Struggle (Makes me sound like a genius for referencing Kafka, could also boost sales if mistaken for Kafka's work of the same name. Would need to be released after my death to avoid impending law suit)
- You Idiot (One my friend Danni came up with, but I'm not sure she'll ever read this)
- How to Take a Fall (Hints at my enjoyment of Elliott Smith's music, and also the fact that I fell off a building and lived to tell the tale
- Gathering no Moss (I don't actually like this one, but an elderly gentleman suggested it to me after we swapped stories on a flight home from some far flung country and I don't want him to think I forgot)
- The Tales of Ernid the Bard (Makes me sound like a wonderful writer of folklore, if not a tragic Harry Pot-head)
- Things I Only Told my Mother About Afterwards (Well, that is most things. I'm no idiot. It's pretty much a way of saying "story of my life" without sounding like a total bore)
- Booksmart Devil (Wouldn't you want to read a book written by someone so described?)
- Let's Get out of This Country (Perhaps this should be travel stories, or stories to read while travelling)
- Your New Favourite Book (Everyone in the world would buy it)
- The Very Hungry Caterpillar (It would already have sold a trillion copies)
Now quick, go out and buy it before it sells out! It will certainly beat any book called "My Life".
Saturday, 5 November 2011
Thursday, 23 June 2011
The burdens of being upright
If I were an animal, I think I would be a shark. Slinking around the ocean like the slinkies of the sea. And I do like slinkies. They are a lot like some people I know: pointless and useless, but they bring a smile to my face when I push them down the stairs.
Speaking of being pushed down stairs, a few months ago I had the displeasure of falling off a balcony. After dislocating my jaw, breaking it in three places, and shattering all the bones in one arm, I began thinking I might prefer the life and style of an animal. Or an inanimate object. I soon ruled out the latter, however, after the realisation that the only object I would really like to be is a slinky, and this would not help me greatly when falling off balconies. And as I am already adept at picking myself up uninjured at the bottom of a staircase, my life as a slinky would be somewhat redundant.
But who ever heard of a shark falling off an eight metre high balcony? Not I, rabbi. So shark it will be.
Or at least it would, if the surgeons had asked my opinion before performing life-and-limb-saving surgery. Waking up thirty hours later with little memory of the previous day's events, the question burning on my lips was, naturally, to do with body modification. The nurse looked at me quizzically as my puffy face mumbled...
..."Am I going to get a hook?"
"No sweetie, your arm's still there."
At the time, I was rather pleased to still have four limbs. In fact, I still am. This is the second time in two years I have nearly lost an important appendage, and thanks to Dr Ringo at the hospital in Dar es Salaam and Dr Beard here in Sydney, my left arm and right leg remain, for the most part, in tact. However, thanks to many weeks musing while in hospital and the suggestions of some of my favourite friends, I am beginning to realise that precision surgery is rather limiting itself. I am naturally impressed the doctors managed to tape my body back together, and can't wait to go to the airport and set off metal detectors with my new titanium-enforced body. Nevertheless, I have some suggestions and even blueprints of ideas for further surgery I may need. The doc wants to do a bone graft, though I'm leaning somewhat towards a hook.
Unless you know Harry Potter (which I don't), it's impossible to transfigure your body into a shark (it's true, I looked it up). My dreams of becoming a shark, immune to balcony-related injuries the world over, have been quashed, and I'm looking for the next best thing. I had many theories as to how they patched me up in the hours following The Fall, including a very serious one about skin from my leg being put in my mouth. It was the most logical conclusion as I had a dressing on my leg and a mysterious flap of skin keeping my face together from the bottom lip down. I was seriously impressed, until I found out that skin grafts from leg to lip are just not done. Nevertheless, the nickname "Leg Lip" was inspired, and the term of endearment is sure to last many years to come. Thanks Amzzz.
Amzzz is also insistent that if and when I have a bone graft to my arm, the source bone comes from my butt. Determined that Bum Arm not become a myth like the fabled Leg Lip, I have a good mind to ask my surgeon if this is indeed possible. But the possibilities do not end there. If acquiring a hook is out of the question, I am adamant that the metal in my arm be refashioned in the shape of a gun. If one cannot be surgically modified to reflect a shark, a mock-terrorist might be fun. Or perhaps the metal in my arm could extend and shoot between my fingers, a la Wolverine.
Wolvernid.
Leg Lip, Bum Arm Wolvernid.
Alas, my next visit with the surgeon is five weeks away. My ingenious ideas shall have to wait until then, although I am keen to capitalise on this opportunity to draw up more thorough references. In the meantime, the dentist and his drills eagerly await the fast approaching chance to recreate my winning smile. The crooked grin, I can live with, but the hobo teeth are most unfortunate. No Janey, it does not make me look happy, it makes me look like a bogan. A bogan who can't win a fight. And has to use an infant toothbrush and carry their own supply of straws.
My body's awesome.
Speaking of being pushed down stairs, a few months ago I had the displeasure of falling off a balcony. After dislocating my jaw, breaking it in three places, and shattering all the bones in one arm, I began thinking I might prefer the life and style of an animal. Or an inanimate object. I soon ruled out the latter, however, after the realisation that the only object I would really like to be is a slinky, and this would not help me greatly when falling off balconies. And as I am already adept at picking myself up uninjured at the bottom of a staircase, my life as a slinky would be somewhat redundant.
But who ever heard of a shark falling off an eight metre high balcony? Not I, rabbi. So shark it will be.
Or at least it would, if the surgeons had asked my opinion before performing life-and-limb-saving surgery. Waking up thirty hours later with little memory of the previous day's events, the question burning on my lips was, naturally, to do with body modification. The nurse looked at me quizzically as my puffy face mumbled...
..."Am I going to get a hook?"
"No sweetie, your arm's still there."
At the time, I was rather pleased to still have four limbs. In fact, I still am. This is the second time in two years I have nearly lost an important appendage, and thanks to Dr Ringo at the hospital in Dar es Salaam and Dr Beard here in Sydney, my left arm and right leg remain, for the most part, in tact. However, thanks to many weeks musing while in hospital and the suggestions of some of my favourite friends, I am beginning to realise that precision surgery is rather limiting itself. I am naturally impressed the doctors managed to tape my body back together, and can't wait to go to the airport and set off metal detectors with my new titanium-enforced body. Nevertheless, I have some suggestions and even blueprints of ideas for further surgery I may need. The doc wants to do a bone graft, though I'm leaning somewhat towards a hook.
Unless you know Harry Potter (which I don't), it's impossible to transfigure your body into a shark (it's true, I looked it up). My dreams of becoming a shark, immune to balcony-related injuries the world over, have been quashed, and I'm looking for the next best thing. I had many theories as to how they patched me up in the hours following The Fall, including a very serious one about skin from my leg being put in my mouth. It was the most logical conclusion as I had a dressing on my leg and a mysterious flap of skin keeping my face together from the bottom lip down. I was seriously impressed, until I found out that skin grafts from leg to lip are just not done. Nevertheless, the nickname "Leg Lip" was inspired, and the term of endearment is sure to last many years to come. Thanks Amzzz.
Amzzz is also insistent that if and when I have a bone graft to my arm, the source bone comes from my butt. Determined that Bum Arm not become a myth like the fabled Leg Lip, I have a good mind to ask my surgeon if this is indeed possible. But the possibilities do not end there. If acquiring a hook is out of the question, I am adamant that the metal in my arm be refashioned in the shape of a gun. If one cannot be surgically modified to reflect a shark, a mock-terrorist might be fun. Or perhaps the metal in my arm could extend and shoot between my fingers, a la Wolverine.
Wolvernid.
Leg Lip, Bum Arm Wolvernid.
Alas, my next visit with the surgeon is five weeks away. My ingenious ideas shall have to wait until then, although I am keen to capitalise on this opportunity to draw up more thorough references. In the meantime, the dentist and his drills eagerly await the fast approaching chance to recreate my winning smile. The crooked grin, I can live with, but the hobo teeth are most unfortunate. No Janey, it does not make me look happy, it makes me look like a bogan. A bogan who can't win a fight. And has to use an infant toothbrush and carry their own supply of straws.
My body's awesome.
Wednesday, 8 September 2010
I am a travel agent...
....I have advance degrees in accounting, public relations, marketing, business building, computer science, civil engineering, and Swahili.
I am a travel agent....Of course I remember the reservation you booked six years ago, even though you don't have a confirmation number and you think it was made under a last name that begins with a T.
I am a travel agent....It's no problem for me to give you seven connecting non-smoking poolside suites with 2 king beds and 4 rollaways in each, and yes, it is my fault that the hotel does not have a helicopter pad.
I am a travel agent....I speak all languages and have visited Every destination.
I am a travel agent....It's obvious to me when you book your reservation for Friday, you really mean Saturday.
I am a travel agent....My company has entrusted me with financial information, and yet I can't tell you why your hotel bill for March 1989 had a 50p phone call because, of course, you shouldn't have to pay for calls.
I am a travel agent....I understand that Joe Blow Ltd. is a vast empire and will make or break my agency.
I am a travel agent....Yes, I am lying when I say there are no seats left at the lowest price.
I am a travel agent....No, it's not a problem for me to quickly construct several more guest rooms at the hotel you want, and this time I will not forget the helicopter landing pad!
I am a travel agent....I am capable of checking fares for three people, taking five reservations and answering fifteen calls simultaneously.
I am a travel agent....I always know where to find the best vegetarian, kosher, and Mongolian barbecue restaurants.
I am a travel agent....I know exactly what to do in all cities without spending money.
I am a travel agent....I take responsibility for airline food, traffic jams,rental car flat tires, weather, hotel locations, and the national economy.
I am a travel agent....Of course I can fit you into the hotel at the special corporate rate because you are affiliated with the Blackburn North Lawn Bowls club.
I am a travel agent... I am never offended when I spend 10 hours researching a 12 day Europe itinerary only to hear you say you "booked it yourself over the internet and saved £30!" I also never gloat when you call back to say the rate was sold out or that you are stuck in the middle of no where since they cancelled your flight and you cannot "call" your internet provider to be reprotected on another flight.
I am a travel agent... I love when people walk up to me at parties and out of the blue expect me to know the latest airlines fares from Melbourne to Ibiza via Byron Bay, the Maldives and Nairobi "off the top of my head".
I am a travel agent... I love that everyone assumes I get to travel everywhere for free and when I do get to take advantage of a perk people act like it is a sin against nature. If you ask me to get you the rate at! my "travel agent discount" I will kill you.
I am a travel agent...Don't bother telling me any dates or cities since I am a mind reader and already have the reservation in my crystal ball before you can tell me.
I smile, empathise, sympathise, console, cajole, up-sell, down-sell, cross-sell, perform, sing, dance, make coffees and fix the printer.................. I am your travel agent!!
I am a travel agent....Of course I remember the reservation you booked six years ago, even though you don't have a confirmation number and you think it was made under a last name that begins with a T.
I am a travel agent....It's no problem for me to give you seven connecting non-smoking poolside suites with 2 king beds and 4 rollaways in each, and yes, it is my fault that the hotel does not have a helicopter pad.
I am a travel agent....I speak all languages and have visited Every destination.
I am a travel agent....It's obvious to me when you book your reservation for Friday, you really mean Saturday.
I am a travel agent....My company has entrusted me with financial information, and yet I can't tell you why your hotel bill for March 1989 had a 50p phone call because, of course, you shouldn't have to pay for calls.
I am a travel agent....I understand that Joe Blow Ltd. is a vast empire and will make or break my agency.
I am a travel agent....Yes, I am lying when I say there are no seats left at the lowest price.
I am a travel agent....No, it's not a problem for me to quickly construct several more guest rooms at the hotel you want, and this time I will not forget the helicopter landing pad!
I am a travel agent....I am capable of checking fares for three people, taking five reservations and answering fifteen calls simultaneously.
I am a travel agent....I always know where to find the best vegetarian, kosher, and Mongolian barbecue restaurants.
I am a travel agent....I know exactly what to do in all cities without spending money.
I am a travel agent....I take responsibility for airline food, traffic jams,rental car flat tires, weather, hotel locations, and the national economy.
I am a travel agent....Of course I can fit you into the hotel at the special corporate rate because you are affiliated with the Blackburn North Lawn Bowls club.
I am a travel agent... I am never offended when I spend 10 hours researching a 12 day Europe itinerary only to hear you say you "booked it yourself over the internet and saved £30!" I also never gloat when you call back to say the rate was sold out or that you are stuck in the middle of no where since they cancelled your flight and you cannot "call" your internet provider to be reprotected on another flight.
I am a travel agent... I love when people walk up to me at parties and out of the blue expect me to know the latest airlines fares from Melbourne to Ibiza via Byron Bay, the Maldives and Nairobi "off the top of my head".
I am a travel agent... I love that everyone assumes I get to travel everywhere for free and when I do get to take advantage of a perk people act like it is a sin against nature. If you ask me to get you the rate at! my "travel agent discount" I will kill you.
I am a travel agent...Don't bother telling me any dates or cities since I am a mind reader and already have the reservation in my crystal ball before you can tell me.
I smile, empathise, sympathise, console, cajole, up-sell, down-sell, cross-sell, perform, sing, dance, make coffees and fix the printer.................. I am your travel agent!!
Monday, 17 May 2010
And she's off...
...again.
In six days I'll be in Korea and prepping myself for the next leg of the Amazing Race which is my life. Back to Europe this time, only this time with my parents. I haven't holidayed with them in years, and I'm sure it will be an interesting experience for us all. The travel bug seems to have transcended my own internal boundaries, and away I go again. Minus Dan, minus Ellie, though I will hopefully be seeing her during this trip and am eagerly awaiting a joyous reunion. I miss her a lot, and no doubt she misses me.
What strikes me as different this time is that travelling presents to me the opportunity of freedom... Jumping off and out of strange things, eating obscure delights, staying in the cheapest and easiest place possible, and going without food if it means a new highlight. What a change it will be. Occasionally I feel I'm becoming more like my mother each day, yet situations like this suggest this is a misguided notion. Perhaps I'm too young for this, perhaps I'm too old. Dealing with parents is ambiguous, and sometimes it's hard to win. For anyone.
Anyway, new travels are looming, and I will return with new stories. And next time I can perhaps convince Dan to join me. I hope he doesn't miss me too much.
Kind regards,
eph
In six days I'll be in Korea and prepping myself for the next leg of the Amazing Race which is my life. Back to Europe this time, only this time with my parents. I haven't holidayed with them in years, and I'm sure it will be an interesting experience for us all. The travel bug seems to have transcended my own internal boundaries, and away I go again. Minus Dan, minus Ellie, though I will hopefully be seeing her during this trip and am eagerly awaiting a joyous reunion. I miss her a lot, and no doubt she misses me.
What strikes me as different this time is that travelling presents to me the opportunity of freedom... Jumping off and out of strange things, eating obscure delights, staying in the cheapest and easiest place possible, and going without food if it means a new highlight. What a change it will be. Occasionally I feel I'm becoming more like my mother each day, yet situations like this suggest this is a misguided notion. Perhaps I'm too young for this, perhaps I'm too old. Dealing with parents is ambiguous, and sometimes it's hard to win. For anyone.
Anyway, new travels are looming, and I will return with new stories. And next time I can perhaps convince Dan to join me. I hope he doesn't miss me too much.
Kind regards,
eph
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
An Invaluable Source
Check out my contribution to Bolivian travel plugs - an article written by Sasha Arms about prison tourism, for which I was interviewed regarding my San Pedro experience.
http://www.urbantravelblog.com/feature/san-pedro-prison-tours
And you all called me crazy!
http://www.urbantravelblog.com/feature/san-pedro-prison-tours
And you all called me crazy!
Monday, 3 May 2010
Thinks in Rhyme all the Time
If I were a frog, I would write a blog
About the meaning of life and the fun that was Pog.
I'd rhyme all the time, drinking soda with lime,
And save the whole world with my skills fighting crime.
But I'm just a girl with earrings of pearl,
And when I am nervous I vomit and hurl.
I like dinosaurs and cleansing my pores
I have lots of friends, and few of them whores.
My boyfriend is Dan, he's his own biggest fan
And my grandma knows him as the dunny can man.
I play the guitar like a superstar,
And trumpet and bass, and golf below par.
I roll on my side and I do it with pride,
Down hills and up mountains, an interesting ride.
I enjoy drinking tea and climbing a tree,
And travel and skiing and swimming in sea.
I do like my brothers, and Stephanie Schaefer
And Ellie MacCarthy and chocolates with wafer.
I like to speak German, my name isn't Herman,
If I were a mermaid Dan would be a merman.
I'm his Miss Piggy and he is my Kermit,
If he were a cave then I'd be a hermit.
I'm writing at home, near the end of this poem.
It doesn't make sense nor is packaged in foam.
I do not eat meat, or have smelly feet,
I simply write poems - consider this a treat.
So this is the end of my poetry feat,
I'm heading to bed and bidding retreat.
Fin
About the meaning of life and the fun that was Pog.
I'd rhyme all the time, drinking soda with lime,
And save the whole world with my skills fighting crime.
But I'm just a girl with earrings of pearl,
And when I am nervous I vomit and hurl.
I like dinosaurs and cleansing my pores
I have lots of friends, and few of them whores.
My boyfriend is Dan, he's his own biggest fan
And my grandma knows him as the dunny can man.
I play the guitar like a superstar,
And trumpet and bass, and golf below par.
I roll on my side and I do it with pride,
Down hills and up mountains, an interesting ride.
I enjoy drinking tea and climbing a tree,
And travel and skiing and swimming in sea.
I do like my brothers, and Stephanie Schaefer
And Ellie MacCarthy and chocolates with wafer.
I like to speak German, my name isn't Herman,
If I were a mermaid Dan would be a merman.
I'm his Miss Piggy and he is my Kermit,
If he were a cave then I'd be a hermit.
I'm writing at home, near the end of this poem.
It doesn't make sense nor is packaged in foam.
I do not eat meat, or have smelly feet,
I simply write poems - consider this a treat.
So this is the end of my poetry feat,
I'm heading to bed and bidding retreat.
Fin
Sunday, 31 January 2010
Things I love you more than...
...The scene at the end of a video game, especially if it's Mario
Knowing the answer on 'Wheel of Fortune'
Not standing behind tall people at gigs
Getting home just in time for neighbours
Vegetarian nachos with lots of jalapenos
Conributing a little known fact during Trivial Pursuit
Putting a toilet plunger on my knee and pretending it's a peg leg
When Steph curls/straightens/styles my hair
Grabbing an umbrella as I'm running out the door then actually needing it
Receiving a new threadless tee in the mail
Walking in heels and not falling over
Putting on bandaids when I do fall over in heels
Playing with a new piercing after it's stopped hurting
Not being able to see then remembering I have glasses and actually being able to see
Correcting the spelling of others
When my dogs don't do what they're told but are so cute I just don't care
Winning consecutive points in pool
Having both bananas AND strawberries so I can make delicious smoothies
Acually making said smoothies
Coffee with lots of powdered chocolate on top
Pretending I want to buy a twelve string guitar just so I can play the ones in the shop for free
Spinny chairs
Friends marathons
Going places I don't need to wear shoes
Really good mixed CDs
Not going to the dentist
Having a really good costume for a dress up party
A good sandwich
Frosty fruits
Playing bingo and the announcer saying "two fat ladies"
Colouring my lips with Smarties
Neighbours episode names
Hiding from you in department stores
When my chickens chase each other
Photos of pennyfarthings
Knowing the answer on 'Wheel of Fortune'
Not standing behind tall people at gigs
Getting home just in time for neighbours
Vegetarian nachos with lots of jalapenos
Conributing a little known fact during Trivial Pursuit
Putting a toilet plunger on my knee and pretending it's a peg leg
When Steph curls/straightens/styles my hair
Grabbing an umbrella as I'm running out the door then actually needing it
Receiving a new threadless tee in the mail
Walking in heels and not falling over
Putting on bandaids when I do fall over in heels
Playing with a new piercing after it's stopped hurting
Not being able to see then remembering I have glasses and actually being able to see
Correcting the spelling of others
When my dogs don't do what they're told but are so cute I just don't care
Winning consecutive points in pool
Having both bananas AND strawberries so I can make delicious smoothies
Acually making said smoothies
Coffee with lots of powdered chocolate on top
Pretending I want to buy a twelve string guitar just so I can play the ones in the shop for free
Spinny chairs
Friends marathons
Going places I don't need to wear shoes
Really good mixed CDs
Not going to the dentist
Having a really good costume for a dress up party
A good sandwich
Frosty fruits
Playing bingo and the announcer saying "two fat ladies"
Colouring my lips with Smarties
Neighbours episode names
Hiding from you in department stores
When my chickens chase each other
Photos of pennyfarthings
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